I’ve been off the grid for a while, but for an important reason…

About five months ago, a tragedy befell our family.  One that we never expected and were not prepared for in the least.  My father passed away due to a brain bleed that caused catastrophic brain damage.  Most of you know this news – but for those that don’t, I felt it was finally time to share.

There are still so many questions that we don’t really have answers to – like what caused the brain bleed?  Was is triggered in the weeks leading up to his passing by some type of fall or injury we weren’t aware of?  Or was it an acute bleed triggered spontaneously or by something else?  There seems to be signs pointing in both directions and it’s a mystery that we may never solve.

At the end of the day, I’m not sure it truly matters – I imagine the end result would be the same either way.  Yet, it’s human nature to wonder, “What could I have done to prevent this?”  “If I’d only seen the signs earlier or done something differently, maybe he would still be here.”  Bargaining is a true stage of grief and I find myself often vacillating between these questions.

They say when a death is unexpected that those left behind often grieve harder and longer.  It’s like you’re trying to catch up to this new awful reality that just can’t be.  I find this to be very true – my life is busy with young children and a challenging job that I find myself sometimes distracted from this reality, only to remember – with what feels like a swift blow to the gut – that my dad is not living anymore.  It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me – and it happens over and over still.

I wonder when that will change…when my heart will finally catch up with my mind and truly accept this loss.  In some ways, this scares me the most.  Like accepting my father’s death will mean it matters just a little less.  It’s like the hurt – the raw despair – affirms how truly awful this has been for our family.

Yet, I know my Dad – the man who embodied the principles of “true acceptance” – would want us to get to that place.  A place where we can cherish the decades of memories we shared, but also continue making new memories as a family.  I hope we can get there – right now, it just doesn’t feel right.